Sunday, December 7, 2014

Here We Go Again

Yes honey. It's officially happened.  Past the point where I could ignore it. Beyond the disbelief and pretending I didn't notice my pants getting tighter and tighter around my stomach.

I am fat again.

My use of fat is subjective. For me, this 260 lbs that I am now carrying around is FAT. For someone else, it could be all good. But when I got down to 185 and now I'm chilling (but not so chill) at 260, that just wont work for me. 

And to be honest, I'm a little down about it. I remember being down right judgy when I would ask myself how people could lose weight (and feel so amazing in their new bodies) and then gain it back. I'd be like "How the hell can you do that? Not me. Never me". Well, the don't I feel like sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on. Yep.

And it can be so uncomfortable when you see someone who met you when you were thin, and absolutely obsessed with working out and eating right... 

And I know life happens, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. And I don't. This new big body is dumb and I don't accept it. Don't get me wrong, I still love me AND ALL THE BULLSHIT YOU HAVE TO SAY TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM THINKING YOU HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM but filling out the wrong side of a size 16 pants is just not what's up. Not for me. So it's back to the grind. Trying to stay away from bad food altogether. 

I do better when I just abstain instead of trying to moderate. I get the concept, but it really doesn't work for me. People who are addicted to crack don't just get a little bump here and there. They usually quit cold turkey. I don't just put a little perm in my hair when I get emotional, so why should I eat? Hmmm I think my logic may be faulty there. Forgive me. It's 10:30 pm and I'm crying and stuffing cheetos into my mouth by the handful (kidding, I promise). But I am sitting here in serious thought about where to go from here. Even with TOM here, I've been doing pretty good this week. Although thehubs was gone so it was easier. But how do I stay on track? What is my track? Maybe I should admit that I'm lactose intolerant. But I don't wanna. I don't want to be a new year gym bunny person, so I need to get my ass in gear right now. 

Wish me luck. 

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