I tend to think happiness is around the corner if only I could just ---- and there is my problem. I am always living in the next moment and not paying enough attention to the moment I'm in now. I spent so much time disliking England because of the Visa situation and my lack of a job, and now all I can think about is how much I want to go back there. Crazy huh? Who would have guessed that I would have fallen in love with the country a year before we left, which was too late to really change anything. I was finally working, and was soon to be pulled on to the DOD full time. But all I could think about was "When we move to GA, I will be REALLY happy". That's me, always trying to quantify my level of happiness. I have no idea why I do that.
Now I'm in GA...and I'm not happy. Well, I'm not necessarily unhappy, but I could stand to be a little more comfortable in live. I saw a post from Tyrese (the singer) saying "Stop making excuses! You want a better life? Make one. You don't like your situation? Change it!". After I finished cursing him slap the hell out expressing my feelings on the fact that he has been pretty famous and RICH for a long damn time. The hubs and I were saying that he had a lot of nerve telling people to just up and change their situation when they are broke as hell. Shut up Coca Cola Boy. Ole doo doo dooo do dooo ass.
But then I thought about it. Really thought about it.
SOAB...
He's got a point.
It is VERY possible to just change your situation...once you consider that cost benefit analysis. I am unhappy with my job. Not necessarily my school, but teaching middle school. Teaching is not where I need to be, not for middle school anyway, maybe college. And there are several options I could take in order to make that dream a reality. But that would take lots of time, work and money...None of which I am interested in, but I will have to come up with some thing to make myself happy in the long haul... Cuz this ain't it.
I have been on some real superiority type stuff when it comes to vacation and where I want to go. Not on purpose, I promise. But what kind of candle does going to the beach in Florida hold against seeing the pyramids of Egypt or back packing across Spain? I blew my travel load too soon, and now I can't afford the life I've gotten used to. I'm a travel snob. But I can fix that too. I've never been one to save. In fact, I'm awful at it. Money in the bank is pointless to me if I can't spend it. My philosophy is, get what I want, then, once I have everything I need in life, save money. #Fail. Save money and go someplace awesome. That's how I can change it. This is only my second check at this new job, and we are still trying to decorate the house...
Which brings me to my next point. I haven't really been living in Valdosta. I've been living in the memory of England and the thought of wherever the hell we are going after this. I can not live this way. This is my very first PCS where I am moving to a random place that the USAF has sent my little family, and I am no adjusting well. I like my choices. I have chosen all the places I've moved to as an adult...except this one. I would have never chose Valdosta, GA, and maybe I've been a little bitter about this tiny town in the bible belt. I don't frequent church to often and that almost makes me a leper here. Not that I don't love Jesus, but just because I don't do the whole organized church situation. I also don't club. I also would prefer to put on hiking shoes and a backpack to heels and a clutch. (Unless there is somewhere classy to go). So that puts me on the outs with most people my age who are either in the clubs or the church, when I'm just at home working in my Midori and talking about fountain pens and paper in my geeky journal groups (that I LOVE). #weirdo. I've always been one, but that has always just been ok with whichever crowd I was in. Shaina is Shaina- not here. So because I don't necessarily feel welcome with my potty mouth and my journaling obsession, I haven't really made any friends. Because I keep thinking about our next move- possibly overseas- I'd even stopped decorating and trying to get the house together. "Why decorate if I'm going to have to sell everything?" But I have resigned to live in the now. Focus on my house, and my health. Focus on what I want to do with my life and how I am going to get there, instead of just silently hating EVERYTHING.
As far as the desires of my life, I just want to travel. And while I realize that my job doesn't necessarily require traveling, I am going to find a way to do what I love. I have faith in that. One of the things I talk about in my novel (its scyfy/fantasy) is magical thinking and maybe I should listen to my own book. Speak it into existence. No negative thoughts. My favorite part of the day is when I go home and see my very best friend, The Hubs. If I know nothing else, its that I've married the right person. Couldn't do this with anyone else. But I miss my family even more now that I am so close and don't have the time or money to just take a trip 14 hours north. I want to hang with my little sis and make her face up hahaha. I want my brother to give me a fashion show. I want my mother to ask me why I'm not washing the dishes, and for my dad to ask why I'm still wearing that "shit on my face" referring to my makeup.
So I don't leave you with any positive final words today. I just needed to vent a little. Probably wont even spell check it, because then I wont post it. I'm just going to try to grow up and make the best out of everything. That's what adults do right!!?
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